Sex and Intimacy Postpartum

Sex has always been a topic that can be difficult to talk about openly. Adding the postpartum period to an already sensitive topic can cause new parents to feel isolated, shameful, guilty, and embarrassed. First off, in order to talk about sex and intimacy postpartum, we need to be clear on our definition. Sex is inclusive. Sex means any kind of engagement in acts that support us in expressing our sexuality. Sex does NOT just mean intercourse or vaginal penetration. This is important!! This is an outdated historical definition of sex that is exclusive and fails to acknowledge the experiences of so many people. For some, a more flexible definition can help us to explore sex and intimacy in ways we had not considered previously, and open doors to finding out what works for us rather than relying on society to dictate how, when, and where we engage in sexual activity.

There are many common fears that I hear from clients across the board when it comes to sex and intimacy postpartum:

What if it hurts?

I’m worried about getting pregnant again.

Will it feel different than it did before for myself but also for my partner?

How do I manage body image challenges and not feeling confident?

What if I have no interest in sex with my partner anymore?

How do I find the time for intimacy with a newborn?

I am touched out by the time baby is in bed, how do I find the motivation to have sex?

These are all very valid and common concerns that often stall us in moving forward and learning to engage in intimacy with our partners post-baby. These fears are real but can become less daunting when we talk about them and are able to communicate them to our partners openly and honestly.

Let’s break them down!

What if it hurts?

It might! Your body has gone through tremendous changes in the last 10 months, including some major physical trauma and healing. Being worried about pain is valid! But here’s the thing, we don’t want it to hurt. So if it does, it gives us some clues as to some steps that might be helpful in figuring out what hurts, why it hurts, and steps we can take to change that. Speaking with your physician or midwife can be an excellent starting point because it’s important to rule out different factors that can be contributing to the pain. Another great resource is pelvic floor physiotherapy, as these wonderful practitioners are able to assess your pelvic floor muscles and identify anything that might be going on that is causing pain during sexual activity. So what it comes down to is that sex might hurt the first few times, but you never have to just push through the pain.

I’m worried about getting pregnant again!

This one can be quite daunting for some people who are not ready for another child or who are done having children. It can add stress and worry that impacts our desire to engage in sexual activity. If you are experiencing this worry, talk to your primary care provider! Get all of the information about your chances of pregnancy postpartum, while breastfeeding, and different options to manage this possibility. This might be a good opportunity to talk with your partner about creative ways to engage in sex that does not involve penetration if you are worried about another pregnancy. Maybe oral sex or different activities that take that pressure off but still offer the intimacy and connection you are looking for.

How do I manage body image challenges and self-confidence?

Sex and intimacy are activities that enable us to feel vulnerable and raw. We are trusting another person with our whole selves, and that can feel scary after going through a lot of physical changes. One of the first things you can do is, to be honest with yourself about how you are feeling about your body and share that with your partner. It can be a difficult conversation to have, but it is important for our partners to be aware of our fears so they can support us. Another helpful tip is to provide your partner with ways in which they can support you! Our partners are not mind readers, and we need to be clear about what might help. Do you want to start slowly with cuddling and holding hands? Do you want to keep the lights low? Do you want to keep a bra on be-cause of leaking milk? There are so many small changes you can make so that you feel more comfortable.

What if I have no interest in sex with my partner anymore?

This is a really common feeling among new parents as sleep deprivation, stress, and the transition into this new life really take a toll. It is OK NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN SEX RIGHT NOW!!! Read that again. It is OK. There is no timeline saying you have to “jump back” into having sex or engaging in intimacy at any certain time postpartum. There is a lot of external messaging from our society that tells us when and how we should be engaging in intimacy as if everyone fits into the same mold. There is no right or wrong. It’s about what works for you and your partner, and that means talking about it! Have those difficult conversations because it takes the power away from the shame and guilt that starts to creep in when we feel like we “should” be doing something.

I am touched out by the time baby is in bed, how do I find the motivation to engage in sex?

The idea of being touched out is an interesting one. We associate that with feeling exhausted from having a baby clinging to us for the entire day (and probably night) and feeling like our body is not ours anymore. Fast forward to the end of the day when (fingers crossed!) baby is in bed and you collapse onto the couch for the first time that day. The idea of then putting out more energy feels unimaginable. But what if your doorbell rang and there was a massage therapist there (pre covid of course) offering you an hour complimentary massage. Would you take it?

For a lot of us, it would be a welcome relief and something we would jump at the chance to experience. So, therefore, that tells us that we are not in fact touched out, but we may not be enjoying the type of touch we are receiving. Re framing it can support us in figuring out what type of touch we DO want to receive, and that would be nourishing rather than touch that takes away our energy. Are you craving touch that does not require reciprocity? Touch that feels intimate but not sexual? Touch that stays within your boundaries? Touch that you have control over? These are a few questions that can get us thinking about what touch is going to fill up our buckets rather than dumping them out.

Will it feel or be different for myself and/or my partner after having a baby?

It might! But the real question is: Is that a negative thing?

Society bombards us with a culture that surrounds sex and intimacy postpartum as a time to “get back” to our previous beings. Get back to the frequency, duration, type, and enjoyment that we had pre-baby. This seems a bit ridiculous as we look deeper into it, as going back would mean going back to a time we didn’t have a baby…..It is a fact that we have gone through tremendous body, mind, and soul changes, and there is no reason we need to “get back” to anything. Instead, what if we took this as a time to move forward? To explore a new way to find pleasure and enjoyment in sex and intimacy and to find new ways that work for both you and your partner. What if different was good?

Sex and intimacy are attachment-based activities, things that support in building that strong secure attachment with our partners. There is no formula for sex and intimacy, and each relationship is going to be unique and individualized based on your needs and the needs of your partner. If sex and intimacy postpartum is an area you are struggling with, reach out for support! Talk to a mental health professional that is knowledgeable in the area as they will be able to support you in whatever challenges you are facing. You are not alone! So many individuals and couples struggle with this transition postpartum, but talking about it is the first step to de-stigmatizing how sex changes after baby.

Bio

Johanna is a Registered Social Worker and holds a Masters of Counselling Psychology. She has been working in the field of mental health and trauma for the past 12 years, and after the birth of her daughter in 2019, developed a passion for working with parents through their pregnancy and postpartum journey. She specializes in the sexual wellness of the individual and the relationship both pre-and post-partum.

Johanna’s approach to therapy is very client-centred, and she will work with you to ensure the right approach to fit your needs. She is experienced with different challenges relating to sexual wellness and trauma, body image and self-confidence, depression, PTSD, anxiety, addictions, personality disorders, relationship stress, and more. Johanna uses techniques from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, EMDR, Mindfulness-Based Therapy, and Solution Focused Therapy.